i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
