I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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