I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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