Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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