i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
