i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
