i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
