When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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