how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
