so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
