Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
