Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
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I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
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We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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