omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
