1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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