I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
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Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
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Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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