I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
