she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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