i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
