I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
