I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
