thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
