hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
