Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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