Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm sobbing to NWA
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
