and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
