Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
When are your genitals available?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
