I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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