Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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