Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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