She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
