at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
