thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
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Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
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When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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