These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
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Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
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Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.