She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.