Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
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Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
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She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks