I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
