After last night, I could never be a politician.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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