now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
