Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Randomize
