Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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