remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible