period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
