he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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