I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
