R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
