in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
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She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
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No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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