I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I've blown a few things in my day
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
