Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
