Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
