I just threw up on my dentist
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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