rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
