dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
