She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
