so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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