If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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