I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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