I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
