remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
