New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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