So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
