Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
