We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
