I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
